If America was a bit more like Ghana...

*You address a person by the color of his or her skin. "How are you, black man?" "I am fine white man." You could say something like that. Or perhaps, "Indian woman, pass the butter." Something like that.

*When you're walking down the streets of New York and you've got to pee really badly, you don't look for a store that has a bathroom. You just go right there on the sidewalk, as long as there's no sign telling you not to. If you have to poo, just go to Coney Island.

*Advertising isn't such a lucrative business, except for Coca-Cola (because no one can escape the presence of Coca-Cola). Instead of reading billboards and seeing commericals all day, you just walk down the street and people will yell what you want right at you. "Pure water!"

*It takes 8-10 hours to get from Douglas to Atlanta, or DC to New York, depending on the quality of the road that day and how many police barriers you encounter.

*However, even if you live in Douglas, you can simply walk out to the highway and within a half hour, flag down a crowded, half broken-down van that should've been recalled in the 50's, hop in the back, and be on your way. The journey only costs you about $6 or $7.

*Whenever you are surprised, shocked, disgusted, or having a revelation, you let out a nice emphatic "Ooh!" sound.

*All chain stores decide to make a reference to God in the name of their stores. Some of the changes include, "The Lord Lives Wal-Mart," "Bethlehem Fried Chicken," "ChurCheese" (oh wait! That's actually in Ghana!), "Hail Mary Radio Shack," and of course, "Victoria's Secret Immaculate Conception."

*Instead of drinking water from bottles, you drink them from plastic bags, and when you're done with that bag, you just throw it on the ground. Someone will gather and burn it later.

*You approach foreigners and immediately try to be their friends. Within a minute, you have their phone number, or a big, "Up yours, buddy."

*You go through the drive-through at "God's Will Burger King," and instead of ordering a hamburger, frech fries, and Coca-Cola, you order fufu with goat meat and peanut soup and a Coca-Cola (because no one can escape the Coca-Cola empire).

*You have just gotten your master's degree, but you can't get any job other than selling plantain chips and pineapple on the side of the road. To add to your pains, your oldest son has an English teacher who hasn't showed up in over two months. But on the bright side, you don't have to hire anyone to watch baby Jim for the day. You just strap him on your back and take him with you to work.

*Your electricity goes out quite often. (Okay, that one isn't funny. It's just true).

*When you turn six, you start school and the teachers try to teach you everything in Russian. And they actually expect you to learn! (Oh wait...)

*You ask someone on the street if they have the time, and they say, "Yes, please."

*You go to "The Lord Giveth Walgreens" and bring a tube of chapstick to the check out. When the cashier rings it up and tells you, "That'll be $1.19," you say, "Oh no, that's too much. I'll give you 70 cents."

*"The Lord Gives Wal-Mart" has decided to make all their stores outdoors and just have independent sellers for all of their products. They are now "The Lord Gives Wal-Market."

*There are men on bicycles with horns selling bags of frozen chocolate milk and frozen strawberry yogurt. You cannot wait for them to come your way again.

*You wake up every day and it's hot as balls outside.